I’m such a loser I only have 2 followers. I am Jackie’s bitch -lettinggo-fromheadtotoe.tumblr.com
never im a newb
It all just seems so fake.This idea that good things happen to good people and there’s magic in the world, and that the meek and righteous will inherit it.There’s too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true.There are too many prayers that get unanswered.Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it’s all going to be okay.”You’re gonna be okay.”But it’s not okay. And once you know that, there’s no going back. There’s no magic in the world…at least not today there isn’t
I just tell myself to be happy. But I don’t feel happy. And when I try to change it, when I try to remember what being happy felt like, I can’t. I don’t feel joy. I don’t feel inspired. I just feel numb.
It’s hard for me to log on here and read the things I used to post. It’s even harder to believe that all of those feelings were real, and I am who I am through feeling those ways. I’m blessed every single day, and my blogs are proof of that. What other way could I have gotten here if it wasn’t for God? I’m thankful for the people who have hurt me, I forgive them and I have moved forward. I have overcome my weaknesses and I have become strong. I now realize things I never wouldve never been able to understand. I know who I am supposed to be, I live to accomplish the plans God has for me. I am blessed, and I have purpose. Through God, I will always have all the things I need.
I did have a problem, and I truly believed in the thoughts I contimplated while being high. I believed it was an escape from the life I saw as an unsafe place. It was so bad I legitemately considered suicide to being the only answer. This summer this almost become reality, after overdosing on Ecstacy. It was the most terrifying moment I had ever experienced, and I had learned the most important thing, that I will never disregard. God was there, and he gave me another day to live. I keep telling people I don’t know what I want, but I do. I want to major in psychology. I want to help young people find themselves in a world that makes it incredibly hard to be an individual. And I feel that is honestly what I was meant to do. I can’t help but to feel unworthy, I try so incredibly hard to be this genuinely great person for God and I receive nothing from anyone in return. Why is it that I’m only good enough for my family and for God? Why are they the only ones who are here for me?
Is it because they have to?
The truth is, I still have a problem and right now I am worthless to mankind. It won’t be this way forever. The numbness will wear off, and reality will be back again. Sooner than I’d like.
Peace, love, empathy;
I am aware that I do not deserve to feel this way.
It has been said the deepest scars are those we cannot see. I find myself to believe that whoever had said that, knew first hand what this meant, and more importantly how it felt to hurt immensley.
If I’m not being abused physically by guys, it’s emotionally. If it’s neither of the two, it’s mentally. And sometimes, when I’m really lucky, I receive all of the above. Four year’s of bittersweet, torture. And the irony of it all, is it was all of my fault. And I’m sorry. So here is a letter to myself, because I deserve an apology for all the pain I put myself through. This writing will be personal, honest, and extremely exposed.
I’m sorry for letting you walk away from the things you were capable of taking on. I’m sorry for questioning your ability to make things right. I’m sorry for letting you beat yourself up after losing Tyler, I should’ve never let you cut yourself. I’m sorry that you have to see the scars on your arm, from a pathetic, depressing time of your life. You don’t deserve to be reminded everyday. I’m sorry for not giving you your strength to fight back when Aaron hit you. I’m sorry for letting you cry and making you portray defeated. I’m sorry for letting you feel true love for Paul. I’m even more sorry you had to stay quiet through times it was next to impossible to do. I’m sorry you had to hear about him talking and hooking up with other girls, and then you having to hear he got a girl pregnant and theyre getting married. I’m sorry for letting you trust Gabe after he left you all alone with no explanation. I’m sorry for not letting you let go when we knew you were getting accustomed to a very unhealthy fraudulent relationship. I’m sorry for letting you disparage yourself and not making you say no, when you really wanted to when you had sex with the guys of 3 summers ago. You are so much better than that, and I’m sorry you have to face that one guy when he comes to parties. I’m sorry for letting you fall for Brandon. You barley knew him and I let you become vulnerable. I’m sorry for letting you trust his apology and letting him hurt you for the second time. I’m sorry for letting you believe Warren when he said he’d leave his “horrible” girlfriend for you, we both knew better. I’m sorry that I let you have sex with him and he never talked to you again. I admired your strength through it, that was probably the strongest I’ve seen you be. I’m sorry for getting you involved with Zach, I don’t know where it’s taking you but it’s probably not going to be a very happy ending. I admire your patience through it, and your callousness. I’m sorry I let you trust Wayne, after everything we’ve experienced I still let him win you over. I’m sorry he lead you on to have you thinking you were actually going to be worth everything to someone for once. I’m so incredibly sorry that I didn’t let you tell your dad he’s a fucking asshole sometimes, and that your heart can’t wait for him much longer. Considering that is the truth. I’m so sorry Brooke, you deserve so much better for yourself. I will try to do so much better protecting you. Since know one else seems to know how to; I love you.